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How
to Develop Self-Esteem
"...the feelings and ideas one has about himself which I call self-worth..."
Virginia Satir in Peoplemaking, 1972
Years ago, when I first began my own growth process, I believed deep within
me I was seriously ugly and deformed both physically and in my total being.
It was a `crazy' belief but I felt that I must have big lumps all over my
face. When I saw the movie, Elephant Man, as an adult I could relate!
I cannot emphasize how strong this feeling was. And maybe I don't have to.
Many of you who are reading this article know already how this feels. It
is, again, that feeling of shame for your very essence.
Of course, I felt that way! My personal history of being abused as a child
had included extreme rejection and isolation. Feeling shame that extreme
is the natural result of ostracizing a child.
Today, I want to share with you the process I experienced as I grew out of
shame.You can alter how you treat yourself over time. Probably you are mentally
criticizing yourself for some difficulty you have right now. You say mean
things to yourself every time you have that difficulty. You make yourself
'wrong' for that difficulty.
There are many techniques you can try to alter this thinking behavior. These
are just the beginning.
-
Positive self-talk
-
Make an acknowledgement list of
all your activities
-
Spend time with people who like
you
-
Limit time with people who criticize
you
Positive self-talk and
self-acknowledgement
Positive self-talk began for me with an activity my friend and mentor called
'brownie points'. This was perfect for my inner hurt child. She suggested
I give myself these ‘brownie points’ for everything I did right.
She said that I should include EVERYTHING: Getting out of bed in the
AM, brushing my teeth, showering, and everything I did that day that was
positive. So, I did this. It was difficult at first. It was scary. I felt
like I was doing something wrong and would somehow be punished.
The phrase my friend used to accurately describe that feeling is: "Lightening
will not strike you and the earth will not open and swallow you up!" I kept
at this 'brownie points' activity.
Praising myself really helped my own self-esteem. I guess it is such a part
of me, I still do it. Noticing everything I do that is good and positive
for me. Facing something, writing this article, journaling this morning,
completing my paperwork (yuck), even noticing that I am doing these things
with my CFIDS and fatigue.
Experiment with this activity. It will be slow and awkward at first. See
how it works. Make it fit your personal style. Normal experience is that
this is a living process.
Positive self-talk is something I probably will need to work on all the rest
of my life.
Spend time with people who like you and limit your time with people
who criticize you
We develop our self-image through our interactions with others. Some people
have written about adults abused as children with the ideas that you cannot
get over this. But I know that to be untrue. You can change your feelings
about yourself by being around people who are loving and nurturing to you.
Years ago, when I was first in private practice, I held a meeting for a group
of therapists in my office. Every Friday evening, we met to discuss our mutual
concerns and help each other with our work. For mental health professionals,
this is called supervision.
Anyway, every Saturday morning I woke up in shame. “I sounded stupid,”
I’d think. Or “I talked too much.” And other such shaming
thoughts. Then I’d call my friend, Sarah, and asked her for a reality
check. Her voice on the telephone would smile at me as she’d say something
like, “I was there, and I didn’t see anything like that.”
Then I’d feel relief and the shame would disappear until the following
Saturday morning. Each week I did this, maybe for a year. By the end of the
year, I had a much greater sense of who I really am. And the shame feeling
regarding my work is gone.
At the same time, all you need is one person to criticize you to re-trigger
the shame feeling. There are some people who just feel like saying mean things
to other people. They have their own inner reasons, and the critical statements
they make to you don’t have to be true.
It is difficult enough to outgrow a history of child abuse. You and I do
not need people who make us feel badly about ourselves. We already examine
and criticize our behavior enough. We are trying to undo that tendency.
So, I try to spend my time with people who like me. Then, when I do make
a mistake or do something I really wish I hadn’t, I can deal with it.
I don’t have to also shame myself for it.
So, give it a try. And let me know how it works for you.
Compliments of
Laura
Russell, Ph.D., MFT
About this Contributor:
I am a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist
in Torrance California and National Board Certified Counselor with a Clinical
Mental Health Specialization. I work most often with the treatment of Post
Traumatic Stress Disorder in adults and children. On a personal note, I have
had CFIDS and Fibromyalgia for the past 10 years and have much to say on
coping with these conditions. Additionally, since the hospice care and death
of my husband, I also write about grief and loss. If you like my writing
and are interested in applying these ideas, visit these links: (1) Flying
Gently Without Wings Self-Help site:
http://www.gentleflying.com
(2) Join a mutual self-help club for people who want to live fully and like
themselves no matter what happens:
http://clubs.yahoo.com/clubs/flyinggentlywithoutwings
(3) Receive a monthly e-zine for people who want to Fly Gently Without Wings:
http://www.drlaurarussell.net. Dr.
Russell also answers questions about ptsd at
http://www.mhsanctuary.com/ptsd/.
How
to Win Back Their
Attraction!
ATTRACTION IS EVERYTHING! Here's what to do when you think they are no longer
attracted to you
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