GRIEF
AND LOSS.
Grief is an emotional reaction
to irretrievable loss, which we all feel at some stage of our lives. It involves
feelings of helplessness, overwhelming sadness and sometimes confusion or
anger. The intensity of the emotion of grief varies greatly according to
the nature of the loss. Whether it is the separation from a loved one, the
loss of a home, loss of health or the most painful of all, death.
DEATH
The death of a husband, wife,
child, parent, sibling or close friend is the cause of the most intense grief
experience for nearly everyone. Because grief is a complex emotional state,
sadness may be mixed with a combination of guilt, anger, frustration and
despair. Sometimes grief-stricken people feel helpless and frightened. The
reactions to grief usually proceed through the following phases.
*Shock and Disbelief.
*Yearning and Protest.
*Despair and Disorganization.
*Resolution.
It is important to note that these
phases do not always occur in a clear-cut fashion and people pass backwards
and forwards through these various emotional states.
Shock and Disbelief. The first
reaction to death is usually shock. The bereaved person is stunned and is
likely to experience numbness, disbelief and denial. This is especially if
the death is sudden or unexpected or if the death is the result of a long-term
illness where the end was not foreseen so early. People vary in their reaction
to death, but this is the most usual pattern. The grieving person may suffer
outbursts of tearfulness or restfulness or other changes in behavior. Sometimes
at this early stage or later, grieving people may experience physical symptoms
including palpitations, sighing, strange feelings inside, or even symptoms
like the deceased person's illness. If these feelings persist, it would be
wise to consult your the family doctor.
Yearning and Protest. The second
stage of grief is the yearning and protest stage. Gradually the reality of
the loss emerges with a feeling of longing for the deceased and often an
angry reaction to a situation, which cannot be reversed. Anger may be increased
by the feeling of being abandoned or deserted. Sometimes the anger may be
directed towards an individual or specific group such as doctors or hospitals.
Sometimes it may even be directed toward the deceased for deserting the grieving
person. At this time there is an intense need to talk out and express these
feelings.
The best supportive care that
can be offered during this phase is gentle encouragement. An unhelpful approach
is to deny the grieving person an opportunity to talk about their feelings
by comments such as, "don't cry, you'll only upset yourself" or "Don't feel
angry or guilty" Bereaved people do not find these comments helpful and need
to express their feelings to move forward in the grieving process.
Despair and Disorganization. The
third phase involves a period where the person gradually accepts the permanence
of the loss. Associated feelings may include great sadness for what has now
gone forever, guilt, both rational and irrational, over what was not done
for the deceased and anger at the frustration of the loss, or the permanence
of the desertion or personal needs which are not being met.
Resolution. The final stage is
resolution and reorganization. Gradually the grieving person becomes more
interested in the outside world again and starts to make new resolutions,
even though there is a lasting memory of the lost person. The whole grieving
process takes many months, or even years, and involves a great deal of adjustment
on the part of the grieving person. Reminders of the deceased often reactivate
grief on special occasions, such as birthdays and holidays.
Children and Grief.
Children may express their grief
in a different way from adults. Younger children may become difficult to
handle, may have nightmares, revert to bedwetting, or alternatively, may
withdraw. They need additional support and care at this time and it may be
wise to seek professional help if problems continue.
Other Losses.
The emotion of grief is not restricted
to the reaction to the death of a relative or friend. It can be experienced
in many situations such as:
*Divorce/separation.
*Onset of chronic illness.
*Loss of a limb or part of a body.
*Miscarriage.
*Birth of a handicapped child.
*Loss of a loved pet.
*Youngest child leaves home.
*Close neighbor or friend moves away.
*Loss of a home.
*Loss of a Job.
If you are Suffering Grief. Talking
to someone else usually helps. In addition to friends and relatives, there
are ministers of religion, the family doctor, social workers and counselors
who all can provide support and comfort to help you through. If you are helping
another through the grief process it is important to understand you must
be prepared to be patient.
All people are unique and will
go through the process in different ways. If the person is not coping or
appears to be in a state of pathological grief, where they seemingly do not
feel any grief at all, it is best to suggest counseling.
It's your choice.
Have you ever failed at something
you dearly wanted to achieve? Had a divorce, gone bankrupt or lost someone
you love through death? Each one of these unfortunate situations, and others
of similar experience, can severely affect your self-esteem and lead to
depression.
It is important to realize that
although you cannot change what has happened, you can control how you react
to the trauma you have experienced.
You have two choices.
You can decide that you have nothing
left to live for. Indulge in self-pity and sink into deep depression.
Or.
You can decide that no matter
what; you are still a person of worth.
Let me explain.
When we suffer trauma, our self-esteem
is battered like a cork tossed into a stormy ocean. Self-defeating thoughts
come naturally and it is easy to welcome, nurse, feed and strengthen these
feelings. Yet we can turn our "Scars into Stars" and rebuild our self-esteem.
It will require courage and hard work, but you can turn those negatives into
positives, restore your self-esteem and start the healing process.
How?
Remember, no matter your
circumstances, there is someone somewhere who loves you. Someone somewhere
who needs you. Someone somewhere who you can help.
Use your pain to ease somebody
else's. Be the first to console somebody else who is grieving. Tell your
loved ones that you indeed love them. Volunteer to work with the mentally
ill. Keep busy and active.
Can you think of other ways to
turn your "hurt into a halo"?
John.Hodgkin
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